Top 5 Bangable Captain Kirks (as portrayed by William Shatner)

There are a fair number of Star Trek moments that invite, nay, insist that you want to ride an oiled-up Bill Shatner. I mean… they want you to, bad. As a kid I remember thinking how sweaty outer space must be, because every time a male crewmember takes his shirt off he’s immediately covered in a sheen of wetness.


We all know what James T Kirk does to lady-parts by the way green-skinned slave-girls eyebang him so hard. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

green slave girl

I’m talking raw manpower moments of pure fuckability. Moments where I want to have little James T babies pumped into me. Here, in no particular order, are my top 5 fuckable Shatner Kirks.


The Gorn Lover (aka gay porn Kirk)


Holy fuckmoppets you guys, the man-on-lizard contest of Kirk vs the Gorn [The Arena episode] makes me hot. The raw sexual tension of these two combatants always leaves me wondering, will they fight or will they fuck? Kirk is far too manly to be the bottom but he has an underlying sensitivity that says only a man[beast] as strong as he is could ever be a suitable lover. Just two masculine, powerful beings with powerful, masculine lusts who decide to satisfy their differences not with violence, but with hard cocks. Forget making improvised gunpowder when you can do it standing up with his massive lizard cannon.

Oh god, you could swim in my panties right now. But then I have recurring gang-bang fantasies about sleestaks so… YMMV

Film Title: Land of the Lost


Futurama Switch (aka head in a jar Kirk)


In the loving Futurama episode Where no Fan Has Gone Before, we learn the terrible fate of Star Trek in the 30th century. All records of the show stricken, and the disembodied heads of the original cast exiled to a planet where a sympathetic energy cloud grants them fresh bodies.

This gets my juices all down my legs because I have so many questions. The perfect, ‘trim, buff’ youthful bodies the energy cloud bestows on them can be removed so what does that mean for the lonely cast of TOS? Are they interchangeable? On long nights does James T sneak on Uhura’s body and pose in front of a mirror asking ‘would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.’ Then slip back into his own room to make love with his headless, perfect man-meat? God, I hope so.

kirk on uhura


Khaaaaan! (aka dominant alpha Kirk)

Kirk says fire

Young Shatner is steamy hot but let me be clear, there is nothing more arousing than the powerful, revenge-induced rage of Kirk’s savage beating to the USS Reliant in Wrath of Khan. Oh god, mature Shatner’s expression as he yells ‘Fire!’ is what I imagine his ‘O’ face looks like. It makes me want to fuck him so hard.

I imagine myself in the movie as Lieutenant Saavik, on my knees in front of the Captain’s chair, just out of frame as the Enterprise plays a deadly game of cat and mouse inside the nebula with Khan’s pirated starfleet vessel. Kirk’s rock-hard erection slick-salty in my mouth. And as Kirk guides the enterprise behind Khan and takes him unaware in the rear, his torpedoes brutally penetrating the other, I would feel the surge of his mighty genesis device in my mouth, swallowing wave after wave of his creamy load.


Hysterical Female (aka lady Kirk)

intruder kirk

There is no more confusing lady-boner I have than for the version of Kirk in the TOS episode Turnabout Intruder. Switched into a female body, the woman’s consciousness transplanted into his own so she might impersonate a Starfleet captain, there’s so much Kirk fantasy going on here. This really touches all my buttons: the proto-feminist itch of a woman’s struggle to be taken seriously in a man’s world, and my uncontrollable attraction to crazy bitches. Do I want to be Kirk trapped in a woman’s body? Or do I want to be a woman inside Shatner’s muscular lady-creamer? So many options!

I cannot shake the image of James T – vulnerable and female – being preyed upon by a female psychopath wielding his own fleshy love rocket against him. He doesn’t want to be penetrated, but how can he resist knowing what it would be like to be made a woman by his own Tiberius t-bone? Kirk’s lady nipples get hard as nacelles anticipating the way his own body will hold her down and pound her until her love engine cannae take it any more. Sploosh!


Shoot Us Both Spock (aka attack of the clones Kirk)

two kirks

TOS set the bar for ‘evil twin’ storylines and yet there was one taboo tale they never dared to describe. The love of a Starship Captain for himself. By himself. To himself. You’d be hard pressed to name all the ‘evil twin’ episodes of TOS but for my sexual fantasy purposes it comes down to either Mirror Mirror or The Enemy Within. Good twin? Evil twin? I want them both to be so bad.

I am literally salivating thinking of two James T’s ripping each other’s shirts in a passionate embrace before swordfighting with their matching, perfect flesh-torpedoes. Each knows what the other likes so well that they come in moments. But their bronzed bodies immediately are beamed up again and this time they make me the meat in a clone sandwich. One in my soft lady-tribble and the other where no man has gone before. Oh god, I’d even go airtight if Spock made it a foursome. And as they come inside me both James T’s shout in unison “Shoot us both with your Vulcan manjuice Spock!”

No phaser stun would ever hit harder than me coming in that moment.





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