A Couple Was Having Sex in the Boardroom and I had Too Much Baggage to Enjoy It

Touching Myself Tuesdays is a semi-regular article describing inappropriate work fantasies.

The other day I showed up for a meeting only to find the boardroom door locked. This happens, especially where I work and they use words like ‘secret’ a lot. However as the rest of the meeting attendees joined me in the hall it was obvious someone else was using the room we booked.

Cue the sheepish walk of shame as a young, hot couple of junior analysts slink out pretending to have been up to nothing. There were buttons done up the wrong way, is what I’m saying. I mean, comon guys. Bring a file folder and a notebook next time; amateurs! At least pretend you were legit jobbing when we caught you filling her out like an application.

You might think this is prime fodder for the vag vault. But…

I have bad memories with boardrooms. Consider this a cautionary tale about office fantasies.

Once upon a time I had a fulltime girl who was (is?) an artist.

Ugh. Artists…

Let’s just say that I was instrumental in the production of her erotic short film, involving her brother and my then-boyfriend. If this seems complicated I would like to ask you to believe me that you cannot even imagine it.

Anyway, fast-forward a couple weeks later and rumor around the office is my girlfriend is doing porn. Well, actually the rumor was she was doing threeway incest porn on the table of the office boardroom after hours. By the time it made its way to my ears I didn’t even recognise it was about us. The girlfriend didn’t think she’d done anything wrong and got fired. For once the inglorious occupation of ‘just being the writer’ paid off; I played dumb and kept my job but my career there was over.

I broke up with the girlfriend but I’m still friends with the boyfriend. He actually made a movie with Sasha Grey a few years ago so I guess the circle is complete.





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