Touching Myself Tuesdays is a semi-regular article describing inappropriate work fantasies.
Sometimes friends ask, ‘Hey CC, do you ever rub the elf on the job?’
To which I always reply: ‘Have you even met me?’
Here, for the uninitiated, are the top five* spots to count the money in your ham wallet while at work.
- The boss’ office.
On the scale of ‘fuck yous’ to your soulless corporate director , nothing beats waiting until your boss is on assignment, borrowing his office to ‘make a conference call’, putting the windows blinds down and closing the door, and then squirting your bitch-mitten all over his fancy leather chair with your panties around your knees.
- File Archives
I think my appreciation of supply closets is well documented but for the record there’s nothing better than searching the archives while you’re searching for a perfect pussy-quake. They’re deserted, quiet and if you come out with hair messy, glasses askew and your skirt uneven people just assume you were pulling boxes off shelves (while you were actually putting fingers into a box).
- Fleet Vehicle
First rule is do not leave any evidence behind; they keep track of who signs those things in and out. So somebody finds a condom wrapper after you made a stop to have lunch with the boy toy and the jig is up. But short of that you will never know the pleasure of driving a big black SUV with tinted windows, rolling up your skirt and putting the seat back while you’re parked. You can also go for it stuck in traffic but this is not amateur hour. You can get a serious injury if you’re in a collision while there’s three fingers in your vag.
- Quiet Room
Me personally, I like staying late after work, making sure the cameras are off, and watching myself in the two-way mirror of the interrogation room. But sadly not every office comes thus equipped. But most open-concept offices have ‘quiet rooms’ where you can take a break and do the electric slide to your junk.
- Gym Shower
While not every workplace has an on-site gym it’s becoming more common. Admittedly this one isn’t for everyone, especially considering you’re often going to get an unsolicited eyeful of a lot of ungroomed crotch-felt and pale flab from your coworkers while they change. But hear me out.
What about that cute red-headed legal advisor who keeps everything high and tight even though she’s got that four-year old? Right about now she’s trying to regain that life she had before kids and working out four times a week. Getting waxed. Buying sexy underwear again. Looking unbearably trim. Oh, and her carpet matches the drapes. Don’t tell me you aren’t into that, girlfriend. And when you’re changing next to her you’re a few steps away from some warm, wet privacy while she goes home to the husband you’re sure isn’t going down on her the way she deserves.
* this list does not include washrooms. Have some self-respect.